withoutborders

                                                                                                                                                                                          10 October 08
Carlo

We're barefoot in the grass, with lemon and salt in on hand, and lemonade in the other

I'm eight years old, and so are my friends

It's Swedish summer, hay fever is in the air, but we are young, innocent, unknown to all the hidden allergies

Lambada

a pair of worn out jeans

"New Kids on the Block" we wrote while cutting them up

two hamsters in love

and jealous eight year old eyes all over the play ground

"Solstralegatan", The street of Sunbeam was the name of our street

We are happy, curious, cute and lovable

We are only eight years old

Behind the white balconies, the green grass and open playground, lies some dark secrets, veiled and unknown to our faiths

too heavy for our childhood minds to understand

But it's ok

because it's still summer, and we are together, dancing on the grass

My childhood was wrapped up nicely, carefully

these were the memories holding my identity together

these were the years giving me comfort during the doubtful storms

And we grew up

we got busy

Important

Dreams exploded, identities were questioned

Lungs developed allergies...times changed

I  am trying to save "the world"

while "MY world" is collapsing

He left us last night

Carlo

Woke all our memories to life, brought us together

before he left us for good

The jeans will stay

and so will the memories

but he will not

                                                                                                                                                                           25 Juli       

Intervju tider

Jag far inte glomma

dessa tider av total noggrannhet

bultande adror och svettiga pannor

nyslipade skor och koncentrerade blickar

Hur de sitter obekvamt pa sina stolar

Alla de sju kandidater

svettandes....undrandes...

Skriver och kampar sig fram

nervost genom testet; "Assessment for Stock keeper" heter det!

Vet de vad jobbet innefattar?

Vet de ens hur lagret ser ut?

"Assessment"...det later sa stort...

Om jag berattar om denna obetydliga, monotoma, trakiga, tvetydiga tjanst

kommer de da att slita av sig slipsarna?

Skjuta ifran sig stolarna

Slanga ifran sig pennorna

Torka sig i pannorna och riva sonder papperna?

Kommer de flina mig i ansiktet

slanga fram valfarden och torka bort hopploshehten?

Kommer de...om jag avslojar hemligheten..? Tror ni??

Today is an important day, today, I am celebrating my third month in Sierra Leone!!

It's Friday afternoon, I am standing on the chair in the office shouting to Sharif;

"Sharif, I am happy, I am happy today.."

Sharif stares at me, smiles carefully, it takes him a few seconds to realize that I am serious. He takes my hand, pulls me down from the chair and starts to dance:

"Njaje (my Mende name) happy...we dance!! Njaje, why you happy? You find a man, Njaje getting husband??"

I let go of Sharif's hand:

"NO Sharif, I..ME..Setareh ,Njaje, is happy! I feel very happy today, I am happy in Bo!!"

Sherif looks confused. We dance for short while before he leaves my room.

I have lived the mission life for THREE MONTHS. I am FINALLY half-way...FINALLY "half"-way and half-finished... I stare out of the window and get quiet...half-way means half done...it means three more months..only...

Three months ago, I used to look up to my "experienced" colleagues. Each goodbye dinner was painful on it's own. The questions would never end, the panic would be a constant reminder. Will I EVER reach this day myself? When will "I" buy the goodbye-biscuits, soft-drinks and crisps for the national staff, spreading thank you speeches around me? When will I leave my email address on the board for my successor?

Suddenly, I am half-way there!! I am HALF-WAY through?? Does this mean that I should be half-done? Or half- satisfied, cause I don't think I am!

I have been here for 93 days. Most days have felt like an "eternal-eternity". My days used to start with count-downs; how many days I have been here, how many days left till my vacation, till my birthday, my end of mission...but once all these eternal days were added together into complete weeks, they passed on a fast forward mode.

When did this happen, when did I move away from the surviving mode to the fighter mode?

I don't know, I only know that time has passed and I have grown.

Yesterday I had a strange feeling, quite surreal to be honest. I was standing on the balcony, overlooking the compound. The white "peace-promoting" Toyota Landcruisers, the half-asleep guards by the gate, the children outside of the compound shouting "Poomoy, Poomoy (white man, white man), what is your name.."

My Italian manager steps in to the office and shouts the Italian-English phrases I hear about fifty times on a regular working day:

"I'm sorry but...why your men never do job in right time...I not understand...in Congo, and yes, I live in Congo 15 years, in Congo we never...!"

I see his motions but I can only hear him vaguely in the background..in fact, I don't want to hear him, I don't want to be thrown out of this moment. This is the first time in three months that I feel a touch of satisfaction. For a very short moment, I even feel proud!!

The annoying daily problems and obstacles have become my security, the answer to the big mystery: WHY I AM HERE. They are holy ceremonies making life worth while.

I work as supply manager today. Far away from the hungry children. The office is hot and humid, my staff highly educated and inflexible. In the hospital, I used to be appreciated, my staff listened to me, they taught me Mende and gave me ground nuts and pineapples as gifts and appreciation. I was presented to their mothers, the holiest family member...In the office, the tensions have been high, I wasn't supposed to be here, I am one expatriate too much.

It's called FLEXIBILITY, the slogan of MSF!! I changed my position over a day, from being a logistician of a proud and motivated team, to supply manager for a half-destroyed team.

But I did it, I survived, and one day, I woke up and started to enjoy.

Now we talk about their families, we go to the saloon together, I give the guys advice in love and relationships..they laugh and think I am a crazy poomoy, but it's ok. This is the distance we need in order to learn from each other.

Thank you all for your emails and supportive messages. I know that you want me to write more about life in Bo, you want to know how I am living, feeling and growing.

But this is the best I can do. A few lines, a few pictures...a half finished blogg.

It is a big mess in my own head, and sometimes, I manage to put it down into words.

Hope you vacation was good!

Love

Njaje from the field

PS. Keep sending your comments on my blogg, it's highly appreciated J

http://withoutborders.blogg.se/

Berattelser ur "Jordemoder"

Sierra Leone juli 2008

Jag heter Lisen, ar barnmorska och arbetar vanligtvis pa sodra BB, sodersjukhuset i stockholm men sedan ett par manader finns jag nu utsand av Lakare utan Granser i Sierra Leone, Lejon bergen! Ett land med en av varldens hogsta frekvens av barn och modra dodlighet. Medellivslangden ar ca 40 ar, nara 25% av barnen dor innan fem ars alder. Malaria ar den framsta orsaken och drabbar hardast barn och gravida. Levnadsforhallandena ar svara, las och skrivkunnigheten lag (15-20%), rent vatten och mat ar ingen sjalvklarhet... speciellt inte nu innan regnperioden.

Kriget ar slut sedan snart 6 ar, men lakare utan granser finns kvar i landet pga de hoga siffrorna av malaria och modradodliget... siffrorna visar pa katastrof. I kriget forlorades inte bara en stor del av befolkningen utan ocksa bade kunskaper och resurser.

Jag finns pa ett litet sjukhus utanfor den nast storsta staden i landet.Vi tar emot kvinnor fran en stor del av regionen och hjalper till vid alla former av komplikationer kring forlossning och sedan nov 2007 ocksa med akuta kejsarsnitt.

De flesta kvinnor foder hemma i sin by med hjalp av TBA (trad. birth attendans), och kommer till sjukhuset forst efter dagar av forlossnings arbete och dagar av resa, manga ganger for sent. Att vara kvinna har ar farligt -sorgen av forlorade barn, systrar och modrar forlorade under forlossning, ar standigt narvarande, men livsgladje och kraften att ga vidare finns ocksa. I sangarna pa sjukhuset ligger sida vid sida, de som just forlorat sina barn och de som just ar nyblivna mammor...

Jag ser fram emot att fa skriva i jordemodern de narmaste manaderna och hoppas kunna lata er fa mota nagra av kvinnorna jag moter har, kunna fa sprida lite av de Sierra leonska kvinnornas Liv och Kraft, Sorg och Gladje!

Mary ar en av dem, hon kom, till oss en eftermiddag, tvilling ett hade fotts hemma for tva dagar sedan och tvilling tva var fortfarande inte fodd!Vi lyssnade men kunde inte hora nagra fosterljud. Vi gjorde amniotomi och startade syntocinon inf och tro det eller ej 20 min senare stod vi med en skrikande flicka i famnen, apgar 9,10,10!

Maternity mortality rate 1800 per 100 000 live births

Infant mortality rate 170 per 1000

Under five mortality rate 286 per 1000

Augusti 2008-08-08

Sa har regnperioden borjat, vagarna blir samre och avstanden langre, farre kommer till sjukhus och kliniker i tid for hjalp... Tiden ar en standigt narvarande faktor, sa manga barn vi skulle kunna ha hjalpt bara familjen kommit till oss lite tidigare!

Det sags att det fods manga tvillingar har i Sierra Leone, mer an nagon annan stans i varlden. Jag vet inte om det ar sant men jag har aldrig sett sa manga tvilling par fodas som har! Tvillingar anses fodas med speciell styrka, de har kraften att se haxor, och ocksa kraft att beskydda familj och gardar. Sa tvillingar ar bade respekterade och fruktade...

Nar tvillingar fods haller foraldrarna en speciell cermoni, det forsta barnet far heta Sao och tvilling nummer tva far heta Jina, flicka eller pojke spelar ingen roll, det ar statusen som tvilling som visas i namnet!

Tvillingar anses kunna vara fodda i samforstand eller i konflikt, fods de i samforstand kommer de att arbeta bra tillsammans, fods de i konflikt kommer de att slass for att driva ivag den andre- den starkare kommer att overleva och den svagare far ge upp... -Overlever de bada har de accepterat varandra och kommer senare att arbeta bra tillsammans. Sa snart ett tvillingpar ar fott kommer kvinnan forsoka bli gravid igen Det ar forst genom det tredje barnet som kraften av tvillingarna blir fullkomnad!

Tron och forestallningarna kring tvilingarnas kraft ar manga!

Pa sjukhuset skrattar kvinnorna nar jag visar tvilling amning -Men det fungerar! Att kunna amma bada barnen samtidigt spar inte bara tid och kraft for kvinnorna det okar chanserna att bada barnen ska overleva! I ett land med en av varldens hogsta siffror av barnadodlighet ar det latt att acceptera att de svagare inte overlever, men vi finns har for att visa att varje barn ar viktigt! Varje barn som fotts till jorden oavsett land, har ratt att leva!

Vienna, you simply are and you simply Rock!
Your late Sunday brunches, your early Monday cerials..mixed with banana and milk and some slow Tai Chi..
Disturbed sleep thanks to Johnny Cash.. and loads of Star beer and then Gin and Tonic..

In the spirit of togetherness..or to ''get a nurse''...


Vienna my family!

Hemlangtan

Aj vilken hemlangtan, jag kan inte svalja den, jag kan inte dolja den. Den forfoljer mig likt varmen, fran rum till rum. JAKLA generator, varfor ar den paslagen bara efter sju??! Jag kvavs men jag vet inte om det ar fran varmen eller fran min hemlangtan.

Jag lagger mig pa sangen och svetten borjar klibba sig pa ryggen, under armarna, vid halsen.. Jag tar min bok och gar med tunga steg till verandan, satter mig pa soffan och forsoker lasa men bokstaverna blir inte till ord. Jag minns istallet tillbaks till min sista fredag i Gotet... Tararna samlas och tvingar ner ogonlocken, jag tar min bok och gar tillbaks till mitt rum, jag borjar skriva istallet.

Kvavt...tungt, fuktigt...svettigt...

Tararna bara rinner, min hemlangtan bara vaxer..den smyger sig anda in i sjalen och vaecker paniken till liv. Snart ar klockan sex och jag ska traffa min nya personal, med rodsvullna ogon. Jag maste bli distraherad, jag maste glomma...

Gar till kassaskapet for att hamta min I-pod och bara den lilla rorelsen slutar med utslag och klada pa vaderna och under hakan. Det ar den har JAKLA varmen, tunga luften, svetten som samlar sig pa benen, pa vaderna och skapar irritation dar jag sitter nerbojd over kassaskapet och tvingar upp laset med vald.

Det finns inget syre i mitt rum sa jag hittar min vag tillbaks till verandan och tradgarden och den har gangen satter jag mig vid bordet, med min penna och mitt block. Tittar ner och borjar rakna de livlosa kackelackorna pa marken med Argntinskt Tango i orat... och sa minns jag plotsligt Joaquin och tararna rinner igen och landar pa min nystrukna blus. Den har redan hunnit tvattas och strykas tre ganger denna vecka, veckan som kanns som en manad. Har stryks till och med underkladerna i radslan for GWD, Guinea Warm Desease. En parasit som sprids genom vatten. Nu ler jag for forsta gangen denna misara eftermiddag och blir faktiskt aningen stolt.

Jag har lart mig att vanda pa mina skor for har finns skorpioner som gillar torra morka gympaskor, jag anvander langbyxor pa kvallarna som skydd mot alla ormar som gommer sig i graset (vi dodar i regel 2-3 ormar per dag pa sjukhuset), jag gar ingenstans pa kvallarna utan min ficklampa pa grund av alla lata grodor som inte skrams av forbipassernade fotgangare. Jag studerar kackelackorna som ligger pa rygg och blir annu stoltare. For annu har jag inte gratit over ormarna och skorpionerna och kackelackorna, jag har inte skrikit nar jag trampat pa grodorna, jag har till och med struntat i mygbetten som forokar sig i takt med dagarna!! Jag har annat att bekymra mig for, mina rodsvullna ogon ar bara ett exempel.

Klockan ar 17:51, jag maste packa och ge mig av....

Skit, nu maste jag lasa upp kassaskapet igen!!!!

Dear colleagues and friends,

I have now spent my first twelve days in my new country and home and it already feels like a month due to all the intensive days. Every day has been a challenge and I have already managed all the different phases of stress management.

To begin with, I spent my first three days in Freetown, the capital of Sierra Leone with beautiful beaches, green environment, high mountains.. I could tell already in Freetown that I had entered one of the poorest countries of Africa, and the traces of the civil war, were evident in every corner of the city. Despite of this, I did not get my proper chock, until I arrived to the second largest city called Bo and to the hospital where I will be working the next coming six months.

My first reaction of the hospital, from my comfortable Toyota Land cruiser was: ''this was not as bad as I thought.... quite organized in fact!'' It took me another three days to have a real break-down and the digestion process has been on full speed ever since.

Every day has been a challenge on it's own, and I am slowly starting to adapt and find my way around. 

In this project, we are 26 expatriates from 15 different nationalities, and 370 local staff. The expats, including myself, share five houses which are all located outside of Bo. The living conditions for the expats are moderate and we have everything needed for the daily use...well everything except for regular electricity. There is no city power anywhere in this country at night time, so, we are forced to use our own generators. The regulations for these precious machines are many and tough, but fortunately, we are allowed to use them between 19:00-06:00 weekdays, which in this country is PURE LUXURY, even for me!! Let me explain shortly about the weather before I move on to the hospital where I am working. The average temperature is around 30 degrees day-time and 28 night-time, but it is the humidity that is nearly killing me! I am constantly sticky, and my face is shining 24/7 and if you take a careful look, you may even see you picture on my cheeks and forehead! My best friend now-days is the fan (which of course, it is not always turned on due to the lack of electricity). Believe me friends when I say that I have never experienced this type of humidity anywhere else in the world, not in India during the monsoon season, not in the jungles of Venezuela, nowhere else!  As I spend most of my days supervising people outdoors and right under the sun, the heat is currently one of my biggest issues.

The hospital where I work is located approx. 12 km outside of Bo and it is one of the biggest projects of my organisation. They have a bed capacity of 200, focusing mainly on maternity, malaria and malnourishment. Since most of our patients are children, almost every patient has a care-taker. These, often bring along other children, since no one else is taking care of them, meaning that we have always minimum 400 people that need to be supplied with food, water, beds and other necessities. During the rainy season, which we are currently approaching, the number increases with approx. 30%. In most wards one bed is shared between two families and the beds are not ''King-size'', I promise! As most patients are admitted for months, we have a small school (very small in fact), a garden to keep the ladies busy, and something called a cooking hut to teach young mothers how to cook. The average age for the first birth is around 16-17, and the average number of births given during their lifetime is around 10 where usually only 7 survive, I have heard.  Please note that the statistics are not 100 % reliable, but the situation is nevertheless critical, with malaria being the number one killer! 

It is real difficult to put all the sceneries on paper, my feelings, my thoughts, my confusion, frustration... in fact, it is a full time job to digest them in my own head!

Furthermore, we have only two communication channels with the outer world, and none of them are reliable. The internet can go off for days and sometimes weeks, and even when working, it takes hours to download and attach pictures.

The cell-lines, have a story of their own. There is reception ONLY under two trees in the hospital, forcing me to use a Walky-talky for most conversations with the office. So if you guys try to call me during week-days and you don't get through, it is because I am not standing under any of the two trees.

I will try and write when internet allows, and maybe, I will even manage to publish some photos some day...

Until then, enjoy, wherever you may be, and whatever you may be doing!

Setareh

Welcome to my blog!

Before you start your journey, pleaser remember:

This is not meant to be a literate masterpiece so for all of you searching for grammatical mistakes or incorrect statistics, drop it now!

This is a blog for my friends and family, for the curious and open-minded. It is only a way for me to cope with my environment, to digest my experiences and share some of it with you.

It is a blog full of human feelings and thoughts and nothing else!